Oh, messy life...

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I don’t understand…

The more I get on the internet, the more I  get confused. I don’t understand people, or life. I don’t understand how someone can fight with someone else, day after day, and call the other person their girlfriend/boyfriend. I don’t understand how people can be so friendly, then turn on you the moment you leave. I don’t understand how people can watch an entire season of a show all day, without doing anything, else and be ok with that. Or how people can go days without showering, even if you’ve been inside your house all day. 

Filed under just thoughts thinking about stuff

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A relationship is not for me.

All my friends get lost in a drunken state, hoping that they’ll be able to have a sex filled night with an attractive girl. As they get more drunk, they compromise more with others looks. “Hey if you drink more, she’ll go from a 4 to an 8!” I’ve heard this kind of talk a lot., mostly from my past self. But here’s the thing.

I don’t care anymore.

Yes of course sex is good, great even. But after everything that I’ve been through up to this point, I won’t give m body up. You could promise me the best night of my life, sexually, and I’d turn you down. With my newly found sobriety came my control over my sexual urges. Yes I want sex, no I don’t want to deal with everything that comes from it. It’s better to just avoid it at all costs. A girlfriend will just slow me down as well. I just want to be by myself, single for a while. You guys can chase girls until the sun rises, I think i’ll just kick back for a while.

Filed under girlfriend sex one night stands it's just not for me right now

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Ok look…

I feel for you man, it’s your birthday, which is awesome. But if some random girl who shows up does’t want to have sex with you because she just met you, and doesn’t want to do that until she actually knows you, then you should respect that.

But no, you kicked her out of your party. But hey man, it’s cool.

It’s your party and you can cry if you want to…

Filed under birthday sex one night stand

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You ignore me when you see me anywhere. You don’t return or even acknowledge my texts. You ignore my phone calls. You ignore me.

How can you be friends with someone who won’t even talk to you?

Filed under friendship

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So there was this one time…

I was in college and this kid sat next to me and some woman was standing next to him. I thought, maybe son and mother? But then as our teacher started talking she would translate what the teacher said into sign language. It was at this point I realized this kid was maybe hearing impaired.

But I tried anyway, “Hey man, you have some cool shoes.” He looked at me but had a blank expression. The older woman looked at me and said “Oh he can’t hear you very well. He’s been deaf for ha;f of his life now, he doesn’t talk either But he can read.”

So I could have left it at that, but I didn’t. I wrote on a piece…

::Hey cool shoes. Maybe i’ll get a pair like that sometime::

He looked at me and smiled, then looked at my shoes.

We were wearing the same shoes.

I know he couldn’t talk but I could see him silently chuckling.

Filed under college

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Ok check it…

I went to my friends birthday party 2 days ago. It was going to be incredibly awkward because I knew I was going to be the only one not swimming, but I went anyway. So some people are in the pool having fun (at least it seems that way) and me and a couple of friends were sitting on the nearby deck. It started to get dark, it was just me and another friend at this point waiting on the sidelines of the pool. The birthday boy then shouts to me, “Casey are you getting in or what?” 

Then another voice from someone else in the pool, “Oh who are you talking to? You can’t even see him haha!” Of course this was a joke about me being black, and me blending in with the surrounding darkness that was slowly taking us into the night. That’s when I thought of it. It was a joke, but they could barely see my fucking skin!!!!!!

I took off my shirt and my pants (yes I went in my boxers) and did a side flip into the pool. Some girls voice followed, “Wow he seems athletic!”

No one could see my scars, and I had an after plan that was sure to work. When everyone had decided that the water was too cold, we all got out, and as I was getting out I grabbed the towel that I had carefully put next to the pool ladder, dried off as fast as I could, and put my shirt back on. 

No one noticed a fucking thing.

I should note that they were all drinking so that might have helped with perception haha. The best part though was the fact that I was wearing a button up afterwards, and most of the girls there were chatting me up, asking if I had a girlfriend, if I wanted to have fun, etc. After a while my fiends all said “Ok Casey we get it, you work out. Button up your shirt.” To which a girl said “I think it’s ok if he leaves it unbuttoned.”

The girls giggled.

My friends moaned with annoyance.

I felt awesome.

Filed under self harm self injury scars towards the end I did feel like a tool but it was nice to get complimented by some best outcome that could have happened

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Food struggles...

(Me looking at some damn tasty cupcakes)
Oh they look so good. Maybe I can just buy 1...but there's 6 in a package. I can have 1 a day, thats a cupcake everyday. Damn, but it's not THAT BAD for me right? I can have one. Yea I can have one and become fucking fat, that's exactly what I want. I'm going to throw my progress all away for a cupcake that probably doesn't even taste as good as it looks. Well you know what cupcake, I DON'T NEED YOU!
(I notice a little girl and her mom looking at me)
Mommy is he talking to himself?
No I think he's talking to the cupcakes?
Thanks a lot lady, why couldn't you just tell her I WAS talking to myself?

Filed under disordered eating exercise why did I say this shit out loud???